the old and the billlionaire

An old phone to a billionaire
Heart counselor:
I am 62 years old and I am madly in love
a beautiful girl of 19 years.
Do you think I have a better chance of
get him to marry me if I tell him that I
just 50 years?
The counselor replied: In my opinion,
you'd better tell him you
approaching 80

psychiatrist

During the course of French, the teacher asks a

student:

  Real, can you, please, give me the definition of a

psychiatrist?

  Oh! A psychiatrist, professor, this guy is a very

smart that helps people become crazy!

a guy who gets stabbed

This is the story of a guy who gets stabbed

in the street. It begins to lose its blood abundantly, it

falls to the ground, like the edge of the coma, begins to crawl

in the street, moaning and trying to find help.

Suddenly he sees an open pharmacy. He says:

That's it I'm saved! He draws in his last strength to

drag himself somehow to the counter. Always on the edge

of fainting, it caters to the pharmacist:

  Please help me, I'm dying, I took me a

knife, it really will not, etc..

The pharmacist, placid:

  No, I'm sorry, there is 19 hours, and I farm. The other, which

by not back off again to the charge:

  Pity, pity, he said, I will die! I'm dying, do something

for me! Then the pharmacist:

  Okay, okay, okay. He went around the counter, out the knife

belly man, plant him savagely in the eye, and he

said: Go to the optician in the face, it is open until 19:30!

blackout

A seller has to ring the
door. A lady brought.
Before she had time to open the
mouth, he grabbed the trash
and he pours the contents on the carpet: the
rabbit bone, old cotton,
the broken crockery, skins
banana peels,
Wilted flowers, cans
used ...
-Madame, he said, so I poured in
your lovely apartment this
mountain of garbage, this is for you
prove the virtues of my new
vacuum. He will swallow everything in two
minutes.
And it will not be swallowed, well, it is
I who swallow ...
Then the lady goes into her kitchen and
returns with salt and pepper,
oil and vinegar and starts
season the pile of trash.
-But what do you do? said the
Guys, flabbergasted.
-Nothing. Just trying to help you
things
because since this morning, there is a
blackout ...

an iron hook

Thomas returns to the small class with
his notebook and it shows
his father:
History 20, Geography 20,
Mathematics: 20 Reading: 18.
How? Braille father. Read 18
? Dirty little lazy!
And the kid gets a pair of sacred
slapping.
The following month, the small back Thomas
his notebook.
It 20 everywhere except in reading. Then his
father fucks his ass
loud and he said:
-If the next week, you're not 20
reading, I whip you up
blood.
And after a month, the boy
go home, piteously.
He made terrible efforts in reading
but he was only 19.
This time, the father will seek a
huge whip and he is about
bright-skinned. And Thomas said the small
a plaintive voice:
'But Dad, trying to understand ...
It is very difficult to read Braille with
an iron hook ...

beggar

A beggar fell into such a
misery is obliged to cook
her dog and eat. He is currently
sucking the last bone and sighs:
-Poor Fido! Had he been there, he
be entertained!

stifle all the time

A guy goes to the doctor and said:-At night, it's okay, but when I arrived atoffice, I rednessfull figure and I begin tochoking me ...The doctor said:-Take off your clothes!It sounds out of the bottom and he said:-This is the liver. Necessary to remove the liver.The guy between the clinic and fifteen dayslater he emerges with the liverless.He returned to his office, he looksice in the toilet,he sees that he has a rash on the face andhe feels that he begins tochoke.So this time, he will see a largespecialist which makes it a lotanalysisand sampling and ended by saying:-It comes from the stomach ... It will make youablation of the stomach.And presto! One month clinic, itremoves the stomach, and during hisconvalescence,more redness or choking. Theguy is happy, it payscliniche returned home and went to bed.The next morning, he goes to the office andIt is hardly in the street it startsto choke and become red. Oneambulance picked up, the trimballein the hospital, all doctorsbegin to wonder about his case, andUltimately, they decided itremoving the intestine.After three months, he is recoveringpainfully up and tells him:-That's it! You'll never have toredness or choking, onlyyou no more than five or sixmonths to live ...-Well, the guy said, if it's like that, thatleast I finished in style!It performs all his savings, he boughta nice car, it paysgirlsextraordinary and he decided to becomevery elegant. He enters a largestore, he ordered five suitsmeasurement, twelve ties,twenty pairs of shoes and he said:-I want a shirt dayfor five months.It's 150 shirts!-Well, says the seller. Wait until Iyou take steps ...57 sleeve length 75 towersize, total length 63and 40 ... necklineNo, says the guy. The neck is not40 is 37 ...Sir, you have 40 neck, Ijust measure!No, 37, I tell you!-Well, listen, it's as you like.But if you wear shirtswith 37 neckline, you will havefull redness Figureand stifle all the time ...

Gulf

A player from Gulf launched a ball too
strong. He can not find her.
After half an hour, a gardechampêtre
shows up and says:
-It is you who have lost a ball
golf?
Yes, says the guy.
-Well, she arrived in the eye of a
truck driver
who missed a crossing.
It derailed a train and five cars
went to crush
the campground. In short,
Your ball is 97 dead.
And now, how you will
learn?
-Uh, the guy said, I think I'll hold
my club in another way,
thumb and index tighter ...

In nine months

A guy arrives late at his desk
is stuck
in the hallway by his boss:
-You have two hours late! you
have an excuse?
-Yes. My wife is having a baby!
Ah! Congratulations ... She began to
birth?
-Uh, no! In nine months ...

the hostess

The good news is this. the
hostess said:
-You have good certificates?
-Yes, ma'am.
You know how to cook?
-Yes, ma'am.
-And you love children?
-Uh ... Yes, but this time, I would
do better than Mr.
careful ...

Two friends

Two friends meet in the street. the
One said to the other seeing
the devastated mine:
-You lost someone?
No! It is quite the opposite! I look
a baby!
-And that's why you're doing this mouth
burial?
-Yes. I wonder how I'll
and told my wife ...

a priest and a Christmas tree

What is the common point between a priest
and a Christmas tree?
In both cases, the balls, that is
decorate ...

A widow

What is a woman who has lost 90%
of his intelligence?
A widow ...

codpieces to zip

What is the biggest flaw of
codpieces to zip?
It makes noise in the cinema ...

What is

What is oval, still wet
and the hair around?
Well, the eye, of course ...

Statue of Liberty

Why is the Statue of Liberty
a woman?
Because he was the head is empty
to be able to visit ...

what is slavery

-Tell Mama, what is slavery?
-Shut up ... When you talk, you pedal
slower and light
Dimming the show!

crematorium

Toto come to class one morning and is
immediately
yelled at by the teacher:
-Tell me Toto, why do not you come
to school yesterday?
-This is because my grandfather was
burned.
-Oh! Excuse me Toto. I hope its
burns are not too serious?
Oh, if Madame! Is that it does not laugh
not to the crematorium!

Daddy, Daddy!

-Daddy, Daddy! At school they all say
I have big teeth!
This is not true, right?
-No, no, do not cry and
raises its head, you strikeouts the floor!

At school

At school, the teacher asked
students to tell an event
unusual to them recently.
Later, she asks some students
to read their text.
Toto gets up and starts:
-Last week, Dad fell
in the well in the garden.
-Sweet Jesus! exclaimed the mistress, he
is much less?
-I suppose, replied Toto. He stopped
to call for help yesterday ...

I would drown

Toto arrive at school in tears. the
teacher approaches him.
-What is there to my child?
-Ouiinn! This morning mom went
walnut six kittens
just born!
Yes of course, it's sad, but this is
not a reason to cry.
-Siii! Mom promised me that
that I would drown!

A dead scout

What is brown and green, and
smells in the woods?
A dead scout ...

A frog in a blender

What is green and turns red
when you press the button?
A frog in a blender ...

On the beach

On the beach, a guy approaches a
extent lady
under an umbrella and he said:
I do not want to bother you, but
I think your son
is burying my snack
under the sand ...
-No, sir, it is not my
son is my nephew.
My son, he is drowning your
baby ...

a button

A guy meets a friend who has
black eyes.
-Name of God! What happened to you
? You're a fight you?
No, said the other, pitifully.
This is by sewing a button
fly ...
One-button fly? How so?
-Well, yes ... You know I live in a
small guesthouse.
The other day, I realized that I had
lost a button fly.
I'll find the hostess and
I asked him politely
if she can sew me. Of course, it
agrees and says
it's not worth it to take my
pants,
she will do it immediately. it will
looking for a needle
and thread and sews it to me in three
minutes.
And when she finished, she made ​​a
node with its wire
and looks to cut it with his
teeth.
And this is just the time that his
husband came ...

vampire

- Tell me Mama, what is a
vampire?
- Shut up and drink before it coagulates ...

William

In an American university,
group of girls going on a visit
Medical. The first that comes
carries a huge mark in the form of H
on the chest.
- What is this? asks
doctor, intrigued.
- It's nothing, she replied, blushing.
This is just my boy-friend who
called Harry. He got his tattoo
initial on the chest and I think my
tight so strong that it has stuck ...
The next girl and then advance
doctor realizes she has also
chest engraved, but a large M.
- Well, he said smiling, decidedly,
this tattoo history is fashionable ...
And I guess the young man who
you like to call Mike or Martin?
- Uh ... No, doctor! It is called
William ...

maybe Mr. prefer jam

The key turned in the lock and lover
just time to throw himself under the bed.
The husband undresses, lies near
and his wife made ​​him a thousand kindnesses
Much of the night. She offers him
Moreover, with even more
kindness she feels the need to
to forgive. They end their
antics so late it was broad daylight.
So the woman gets up, it will make
coffee with milk in the kitchen and she returned
with a large tray.
- Honey, she said, you want toast with
honey or jam?
- For me, it is with honey, says the guy.
And stooping to look under the bed,
added:
- But maybe Mr. prefer
jam?

Fifine

In a boys' school, we confess

students every Sunday. the first

said:

- Father, I accuse myself of lying

with Fifine!

- Little Monster! You recite a rosary

! The following ...

The second shows up and says:

- I slept with Fifine!

And all the kids in the class are the

same confession. The priest is shocked. When the last

approach, he said:

-And probably, you also slept with

Fifine?

- No, Father. Fifine is me

it is a mistake

Father, I accuse myself looking at me
on ice several times a day and
find me beautiful ...
- Go on, my child, this is not a
sin is a mistake ...

Go and repent

A man who tried to commit suicide
by hanging and we managed to snatch
to death at the last minute, will find
the parish priest:
- And now, what I'm
do?
- Read the Bible, my friend, told him the priest, and
you will recover the will to live.
The unfortunate opens the Bible and reads:
"Go and repent!"

Il vient de La Havane

Un mari, en arrivant chez lui, trouve sa

femme au lit et, dans le cendrier, un

cigare encore fumant.

- Nom de dieu ! hurle-t-il, d'où vient ce

cigare ?

- Mais je ne sais pas, chéri, bredouille-telle.

Je suppose que c'est moi qui...

Alors le gars explose :

- Si tu ne me dis pas tout de suite d'où

vient ce cigare, je t'étrangle !

Et on entend une petite voix apeurée dans

l'armoire :

- Il vient de La Havane, monsieur...

visions

Three unfortunate shipwrecked
languishing on a desert island: the
wife, husband and a beautiful Quartermaster.
Petty, day by
day it becomes red, green, purple power
girl watching helplessly
do. And how? The island is large
as a handkerchief: it is
may conceal nowhere! a beautiful
morning, the husband said to the handsome sailor:
- You should get on the palm
monitor the horizon. We must not lose
one a chance to see it
boat ...
Then the guy climbs on single palm
and all of a sudden he starts screaming at
the address of the couple:
- Stop doing that ... This is disgusting!
And it excites me ...
- Stop what? said the husband.
- Stop groping you and you
don ...
- But it does not matter. Absolutely nothing!
- You do not do anything? This is not
possible ... So this is a magical tree
a tree mirages!
- A tree mirages? You have
visions, man!
- Ah! I have visions? Well, I'll
down and you replace me. and
we'll just see if you do not
visions, you also ...

contortionist

- Sir, said the customer leaving
the hotel, this is the last time I put
foot in your establishment!
- My God! exclaims the landlord. Qu'estce
which was not in service?
- Well, there was no paper in the
toilet ...
- But, sir, this is a
failure on our part. The customer can
still claim. You have a language
anyway?
- I have a language but I am not
contortionist!